Not Today
by MarieDee
Summary: A young Johnny makes a decision.


Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. All original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.

Please note: Special thanks to _mi amiga_ Chris, my sister in everything but blood, for reading and offering suggestions.

Not Today

The sun glazed the grass until it shone like a carpet of smashed gems. Johnny Madrid squinted, blocking out the glare as he followed the tracks of man and horse that had left the grass flattened and strewn helter-skelter. Half-blinded by the light, he looked away at the pine-studded rimrock that towered above him. It gave his eyes relief from the dazzling sun that made them feel gritty.

He could smell the beeves, their rank hides like carrion in his nostrils, and the scent stirred the juices in his belly, made his stomach roil with hunger, a hunger which had been gnawing at him for days.

Johnny pulled up on the reins and waited there a moment to calm himself, to push his scattered thoughts into order, and to think about the people waiting below the slope, maybe gathered around the dinner table already, or tending to their horses. Or maybe they sat by a warm fire in the hope that someone would come, a savior with a fast gun and a ready smile.

He laughed out loud at that.

His eyes stung again as he thought about mama. Her look seemed to burn into him, and he could feel the pleading, could feel the silent accusations. In his mind he saw her worn down and weeping, the bottle of tequila near her hand. Her words wouldn't come, couldn't be said in the midst of such hopelessness, and there was no fine house, no money, no food, only the stretch of time, and hatred rose up in him like some smothering thing.

Johnny shook his head to rid himself of the thoughts that threatened to plunge him back into those dark nights when he had looked upwards to the stars and suddenly realized there was no God. There would be no rescue, no salvation.

He urged his horse into the valley, following the tracks, willing himself to remain steady.

Reaching a ridge, he dismounted and stood on its very spine and from that promontory the view lasted for miles in every direction. Blackened peaks jutted up from the land scraping the blue sky, but he only wanted to see one thing, the fancy hacienda, rising up in the middle of it all.

He couldn't look at it for more than a moment. The land was too big and it made him feel small and weak, insignificant as the day he and his mother were thrown out. He closed his eyes and was light-headed, almost giddy. He couldn't stop now, not when he was so close to finishing the promise he made.

Ducking under a low-hanging branch of spruce, he eased through the shade, and saw the rider he'd been following. The horse threw up clumps of dirt as it galloped across the green grass and into the courtyard, not a care in the world. For the first time since coming to the valley, Johnny took the latch off his Colt. Once closer, he could make the kill easy enough.

He filled his lungs and let his heart slow, taking a look at the man who was supposedly his father.

As Johnny edged down, he heard him calling out orders, and the noise was like people yelling and laughing in the cantina he and his mama had stayed in for a time. There was a sound out of place, disconnected from the vaqueros. It took him a long moment to figure it out. Then a little girl with two brown flying braids came running out of the doorway and fastened herself to his side. So that's how it was. He had a new family.

The house, the green grass, the mountains, and all that lay before him was as if none of it had ever been there but was something torn out of a dream. A kid's dream. In the pure air on the ridge, he saw everything clearly, and all at once.

Mistakes. He'd made a passel of them after she had died, almost as if he were cursed. Mama, I'm so sorry, he thought, and something like sadness gripped him and he wondered if he wasn't making another mistake in not finishing the job.

But no, not today.


End file.
